An Open Letter to My First Born.
Today you turned 5, and of course, my heart was feeling everything. But More than anything, I felt excitement. I took the time today to think back, to the last five years and how much you've grown how much we've grown, how much your family has grown.
I also thought about why “five” had so much of an emphasis on it. Probably because, as a culture, we've made it out to be the turning point age.
I know that you will start kindergarten soon, which means you'll be around things that I can't control anymore and that's probably my biggest fear. You are more aware of the broken and the pain, and your understanding of this has also grow. This also scares me. You have gone from seeing the good always, to starting to feel the fallen around you.
I want you to know, that am growing with you, sweet girl. I am learning with you, feeling with you, and seeing with you. This year is going to take me, trusting Jesus, with you. You are not alone.
I thought about some things that I could intentional vow to do, and pray for as well. In and through Christ, I will do my best.
I am going to vow, to give my everything - be in the present. In the now with you.
I'm going to slow down, and I'm going to see you for who you are, and you're right now for what it is.
And I know that what you've got ahead of you is greater than I could've ever imagined. I see it now, I see your gifting, what God has place inside of you. What he has place in your heart, and I see how he's already threading it all together.
The Glimpse that I've seen, completely overcomes me with joy.
I see your heart for people, I see how big you feel and how you run firefly after something that you love.
I also see how passionate you are. You are fierce, little one.
I promise to try my very best to not live out of fear with you because of my own mistakes and pains because of my life, I promise that I'm going to do my very best to remember that you are not me but you're your own person God has created you individually and that our stories will not be the same.
I promise to continue to be honest with you, even when it hurts my pride.
I promise to continue to be vulnerable- and show you that your mom is in process, just like everyone else around you.
I want to show you, sweet girl, that even in the mist of pain and suffering there's so much joy.
I will not be perfect, and my goal is not to be your savior but to show you what it looks like to walk with Jesus.
I will call out the Gifting’s I see, I will- Alongside Jesus your dad, cultivate those things that have been so perfectly placed in you.
l will call you up and not out.
I will be the one who speaks hard truths to you in love.
This year I'm going to hold on tight to my seat, and begin to open my hands up to what God has for you.
I'm scared. But more than anything, I'm hopeful- because I know that he who has started a good work, will finish it.
I'm going to be in the present and I'm not going to put my fears on you, I'm not going to live out of my hurts, and project them on you.
I'm not going to suffocate you, to where you don't get to experience what a childhood is because of my own pain.
I'm going to trust Jesus.
I want to tell you, that It was around 5 that I was abused.
My flesh wants you to live on Guard and, to not trust people.
But I'm not going to install that fear in you.
I am going to be mindful of what I say, and how I say.
I am going be mindful of your tender heart, and trust the process.
I will do my best, to help you to see the beauty in people, and at the same time protect you and guide you.
I will rally you for the rest of your life, I will never give up on telling you that you are brave, strong, and courageous.
My prayer for you, love, is that you continue to grow in those things that God has already placed in you.
You have a purpose and you have already been gifted. Your birth right gifts, no one can take them from you. They are yours.
Please know, that you don't have to strive for anything. You do not have to prove yourself.
You’re a gem, and your purpose and story is yours, and no one else’s.
I’m on this journey with you daughter.